


It's gonna hurt when it heals too

by softiejohnyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Marvel Cinematic Universe Fusion, Angst, Crying, Donghyuck is their son, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Johnny as Iron Man, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) as Spider-Man, Married Couple, Mention of Happy Hogan, Mention of May Parker - Freeform, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Yuta is War Machine, donghyuck calls him mommy, like a lot, mention of Yuta, mommyong, unbeta-ed we die like mEN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23647672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softiejohnyong/pseuds/softiejohnyong
Summary: Taeyong dealing with the death of his husband.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 17
Kudos: 102





	It's gonna hurt when it heals too

**Author's Note:**

> it all started when Carly tagged me in [a fanart of Taeyong in the RESCUE suit](https://twitter.com/archicitizen/status/1248572222848958471) (don't forget to click Like and RT the art). i have been HAUNTED ever since.
> 
> title from Better In Time by Leona Lewis

"I miss daddy."

Taeyong stilled. Donghyuck looked small, even more so, lying in bed among a sea of plushies. Plushies that Johnny bought him. Donghyuck was hiding half of his face behind a stuffed whale, one visible eye seemed to be looking elsewhere instead of Taeyong. Said man sat down on the bed, reaching for Donghyuck's small fist.

"I miss him too, baby. We all do." he willed his breath to stay even. He cannot afford to break down in front of their son.

"I want him back." came Donghyuck's mumble. His tiny little heart is aching, he only had mommy to tell about it.

Taeyong scooped Donghyuck up and placed the boy in his lap. "I want him back, too." he whispered, feeling Donghyuck sob into his chest. Taeyong held back a whimper as Donghyuck's tiny form started to tremble. Donghyuck didn’t cry at the funeral, but he knew their son. Their little boy was a strong one, much like his father; and even while watching Johnny’s final message, Donghyuck only clung to Taeyong’s side tighter, eyes never leaving his father’s kind ones. Deep down, Taeyong knew that their boy was hurting. Despite being only four, Donghyuck understood daddy was never coming back. He might not have fully grasped the concept of death, but he knew daddy would no longer be there to take him snow-sledding or make pancakes for him. And that was the part that sucked the most about being a parent. You wanted to shield your child from pain that even you couldn’t stand, but it still happened nonetheless, and you and your child were left scarred for the rest of your life.

Taeyong's eyes were red-rimmed when Donghyuck finally seemed to have calmed down enough to be put back to bed. The boy sniffled and tightened his hold on the stuffed whale. Taeyong kissed both of Donghyuck’s blotchy cheeks, wishing him good night before turning off the light.

Only after the door to Donghyuck's bedroom had clicked shut, did Taeyong let himself break. To be honest, Taeyong didn't know what to do for their little boy, other than giving him lots of hugs and kisses to let Donghyuck know that they had each other. Taeyong himself was a mess, too. He let himself sit down on the wooden floor, biting his lower lip to prevent his wailing from reaching Donghyuck. He had to be strong for the both of them, but it was hard. It was so hard, and hurt so much, to be constantly reminded that Johnny was no longer there with them. That he was now a cold body buried six feet underground.

Fat drops of tear kept spilling from between Taeyong’s fingers. He struggled to get up on his feet. He needed to get away from Donghyuck’s bedroom, lest his son heard him crying at this hour. Any sound that might escape Taeyong got clogged up in his throat as he placed a hand firmly on his mouth, while the other pushed open the door to their bedroom. His and Johnny’s bedroom.

Everything was in the same place as the day Johnny left for his team. His favorite sweater was draped over the back of the chair. Johnny’s notebook - one he used to scribble sometimes meaningless words whenever he was stressed out - lying on the table. The funeral had been merely three days ago, and Taeyong hadn’t bothered to do any cleaning around the house like he usually did. He didn’t want to erase any traces of Johnny.

Taeyong’s eyes were blurry when he fumbled for the small hologram projector. As he pressed the ON button, a message started to play, the only one that had been repeatedly put on during the past three days.

_“Everybody wants a happy ending, right? But it doesn't always go that way. At least not this time. I myself am a bit of an optimist, but even I gotta admit that things aren't looking so well. This time travel thing that we are going to pull off tomorrow... It's got me scratching my head about the survivability of all this. But then again that's what being a hero has to be. You just, dive into it, and give it your everything, hoping to save everyone and probably yourself too. That'd be nice._

_God, what a world. Universe now. 10 years ago I did believe that we were not alone, but to actually fight aliens? Better than any Area 51 raid ever. It still feels surreal for me, gazing into the deep dark space, talking to an Asgardian god, befriending a literal case of Jekyll and Hyde, and all that. That epic forces of darkness and light that have come into play. And for better or worse, that's the reality Donghyuck's going to find a way to grow up in. So I found a private area to record a little greeting in case I wouldn't make it back._

_I'm hoping if you play this back... it's in celebration. I hope families are reunited. I hope we get it back, in somewhat like a normal version of the planet has been restored, if there ever was such a thing._

_Donghyuck, daddy loves you very much. You are the most precious thing that has ever happened to me. I have never felt love, and happiness that intense until the first time I held you in my arms. If I... If I could not make it, then part of the journey is the end, but I will always be with you. You will always have me in your heart, just as I have you in mine._

_I love you 3000.”_

Johnny’s brown eyes were as soft as ever, that toothy smile that never failed to warm Taeyong’s heart whenever it was directed at him. Gosh, if only he could see that smile in person again, even just one more time.

Johnny had said that he hoped this message of his would be played back in celebration. Indeed, everyone out there was celebrating. Celebration of Thanos’ defeat, appreciation of this valuable life, of getting their loved ones back. Everyone, but Taeyong. He knew he should at least be happy that earth was safe and mankind was no longer at risk of extinction; but how could he be happy when the person who could make him happy was gone?

“I want to be selfish. I want you back into my arms.” He murmured, teary eyes looked up at the freezed image of Johnny. If he tried hard enough, Taeyong could imagine that Johnny was really sitting in front of him and talking to him. He could imagine Johnny’s big, calloused but no less gentle hands threading through his hair when Taeyong had a headache. Imagine that his husband wasn’t the one who had worn the gauntlet.

That night, Taeyong fell asleep on the floor, with a tear-stained sweater held tightly to his chest.

*

With half of humanity returning to earth, so does everything else. People carried on with their daily life like how they used to be before the snap, in an attempt to bring back a sense of normalcy for everyone.

Mark - Johnny’s former intern, and also the newest addition to the Avengers team - came to play with Donghyuck. The kid was sheepish when Taeyong asked why he was not at school. He dropped the question once Donghyuck came launching himself at Mark. This wasn’t the first time Mark had skipped school to pay a visit to their house. Of course grades weren’t the problem here - Mark was smarter than anyone his age, and even some older ones - he wouldn’t have troubles catching up with school. What got Taeyong worried was that Mark had never skipped school, or at least that was what his record showed. Taeyong was afraid that Mark was spiralling out of control. The kid respected Johnny so much that of course the death of his mentor would affect him just as much as Taeyong and Donghyuck. Still, he allowed Mark one or two sudden visits like this every month, since he already considered the kid a member of the family. Donghyuck liked having Mark around very much, so at least they could offer comfort to each other.

As he sat on the couch and flipped through a random book he just pulled from the bookshelf, something crossed Taeyong’s mind. Right, he should send a text to May to let her know that her nephew was here, _again_. He was sure that Mark had already notified his aunt of the little detour - the kid was that well-behaved - but _just to be sure_ , and plus he kind of wanted to know how things were going for both her and Happy. Happy wouldn’t talk about him and May. “There was nothing!”, the man had exclaimed once, but Taeyong just _knew_ that the two of them definitely had _something_ , judging by the amount of giggle Mark let out every time he even mentioned Happy. Taeyong was happy that someone was watching for Johnny’s former bodyguard. For a big guy, the man sure was a softie at heart.

The phone chimed with a coming text from May, thanking him for keeping an eye on Mark and inviting him to get coffee. Taeyong took a minute to consider the invitation. He was reluctant to admit that he hadn’t gone out of the house much since the funeral. The last time was for lunch at Yuta’s, and it was already a month ago. The War Machine constantly received calls of duty to protect the country from various threats, now that the world was back on track. To be honest, Taeyong didn’t have many friends whom he could fully trust, what with spending the last thirteen years being a full-time workaholic under the Suh Enterprises and part-time babysitter of Johnny Suh. So aside from Yuta, Happy and Mark, May had been a new friend who had consistently shown that she was more than happy to help Taeyong get back on his feet.

He texted may back, saying coffee sounded great.

*

Later in the evening, after he had bribed Donghyuck with enough juice pops for the boy to finally settle in bed, Taeyong went to make himself a cup of tea in hope of easing a headache that had been building at the back of his skull since the afternoon. He opened the cupboard to retrieve the tea egg and the jar of chamomile tea, only to realize that it was Johnny’s coffee cupboard. They had two separate cupboards for Taeyong’s tea and Johnny’s coffee, for the sake of not getting the aroma of two different drinks mixed up together. All of Johnny’s utensils were there: bags of coffee beans of different types, a french press, frothing pitchers, small bottles of spices, all there and untouched for the longest time. The very expensive espresso machine had been in the corner of the kitchen, covered by a piece of cloth to prevent dust collection.

They used to have coffee together in the morning, a bit of peace before Donghyuck woke up. Johnny would pour a heart of milk froth on top of an extra sweet, more-milk-than-coffee latte for his husband. That routine stopped since the day of the big fight. Taeyong knew how to make a decent latte, of course, but he would never be as good as Johnny. He didn’t want to be constantly reminded of Johnny’s absence. The wound was still fresh and bleeding, even three months after the funeral.

Taeyong abruptly closed the cupboard and went out to the garage.

“Friday? Bring up my suit, please. I need to go for a ride.” Taeyong said to no one in particular as he neared the door to the garage, knowing for sure the AI was always listening to him.

The dark blue suit put the slightest weight on Taeyong’s body, what with Johnny adjusting it to fit his slim figure. Once he was lifted off the ground, Taeyong shot straight into the sky.

Flying in an iron suit had always been a thrilling experience. Though the suit had blocked out most of the noise that came with flying at high altitude, Taeyong could feel the strong winds pushing against his body, the landscape below a vaguely desaturated scenery through the night vision tech.

“Mr. Lee, where would you like me to set course to?” Sounded Friday’s voice in his ears.

“I- I don’t know. I just want to get out of the house.” Taeyong stuttered. That came out so wrong. He sounded like a bad parent, running away in the middle of the night and leaving his child alone at home. Technically, Donghyuck’s bedroom was more or less of a fortress, and Johnny even went as far as installing a separate AI for the defense system in the room - much like Karen for Mark’s spider suit - while Friday also watched over their child 24/7 and would notify Taeyong if anything out of the ordinary happened. Donghyuck would be safe in their home, but being a mom for the past four and a half years had taught Taeyong to over-imagine everything to prepare himself for any kind of danger or mishap. And really, what was he doing out here? Why did he let the pain devour him so fast, and so much, to the point of running away in the dark? He should be home right now to watch over his son, take care of their house, fund the reconstruction of various schools and hospitals around the world. Anything but silently shedding tears into the iron mask. Taeyong had promised himself and Johnny not to cry over the death of his husband anymore. Johnny’s death wasn’t for nothing; on the contrary, he died so that everyone lived, so that life could continue on its own natural path, so that the universe was safe from a mad titan. Taeyong himself was a strong-willed person, he even fought in the final battle, so why was he letting himself be consumed by pain? He had to be strong for both himself and Donghyuck, and for Johnny too, because the Iron Man sure as hell did not marry a coward. Taeyong choked back a sob.

“Friday, I would like to return to the house.”

“Mr. Lee? I- there’s something I’ve kept away from you. My apology for such an action,” for the first time ever, Friday sounded hesitant. “I was supposed to show you this message after the funeral, but you seemed to be under too much distress…”

“What is it, Friday?” Where he had felt almost numb before, Taeyong was getting impatient now, if not a little furious. Friday had kept something, possibly something relating to Johnny, a secret from him.

_“Hello dear.”_

It was Johnny’s voice, one he had missed so bad.

_“If Friday had kept this message away from you, don’t be mad at her, I told her to always take your emotion into consideration before showing you anything relating to me. If she’s showing you the message now, it seems you are not doing so well without me. What an irony, isn’t it? You said I wouldn’t survive without you, and yet now it’s my force ghost talking you out of probably a very dumb thing you’re about to do._

_Taeyong, I’m sorry things had to come down this path. The path where you and Donghyuck get hurt is the path I hate the most. No one should cry because of me, especially not you and Donghyuck. I’m sorry that I could no longer be by your side._

_Remember New York? Back then, I’d thought that I was gonna die without telling you that I love you. Ever since then, as much as I try to push it to the back of my mind, I’ve always had an inkling that I would die from, you know, the whole hero gig. I had thought of how I could continue to take care of you even after my demise. But who are you, if not the strongest person, the only secretary who dared to force me into doing stuff I did not like, the most capable person in the world?_

_Strong people could break, too. And that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, every emotion is valid, because that’s what being a human is. It is okay for you to be sad, to be heartbroken, to feel lost. I was like that too before I met you. You are the love of my life, Taeyong. Still is, even after death. I wish we could grow old together, and like, I wouldn’t mind putting both of us in cryo, but that would be too creepy._

_I wish, Taeyong, I really do, that we could be forever. But things happen, and now I cannot take care of you. Still, my faith in you is forever. I believe that you will live through the pain, get hurt by it, even, but you will come out alive and stronger than ever, for yourself, and for us. It is okay to cry if crying heals your heart. Don’t hide your pain from others. You could fight off the pain, or accept it as a part of yourself, and grow above it. If you want, you could date someone else, too, though I highly doubt that there would be anyone more qualified than I am to be your husband. Or even remotely more handsome than I am. And spoiler alert, I am definitely haunting the house in case you ever bring someone home._

_Remind Donghyuck every day that you and I love him very much. Kiss him for me, every night. Tell him I love him 3000. And you, Lee Taeyong, I love you too, 3000 and 1.”_

The message ended just as Taeyong landed on their front yard. He told Friday to keep the suit on so that Donghyuck wouldn’t hear his loud wailing then. His nose stung, throat throbbed with every sob punched out of Taeyong. He felt nearly suffocated with how hard he was crying.

“Mr. Lee, would you like me to take you to the bedroom? You should get some rest now. You will feel better tomorrow.” Friday asked after a while. She didn’t wait for Taeyong’s reply to make the suit bring him to bed.

Once the suit opened its front, Taeyong’s knees buckled and he fell down onto the mattress. His earlier bawling had gone down to sniffling, albeit quite loudly. The heavy footsteps of the iron suit became fainter as it exited the room. The house once again fell into silence that helped Taeyong calm down enough to mull over Johnny’s words.

Despite his usual annoying exterior, Johnny was actually good with emotions, especially pain. Fighting with your own father, as well as witnessing so many deaths sure imprinted a perpetual feeling of loss and suffering in you; and yet through the years that they had been together, Taeyong had seen how his husband slowly grew to embrace pain. There would always be a sense of desperation in actions that Johnny took to protect everyone, but he understood that getting hurt was an essential part of living and being human.

Unlike Johnny, Taeyong was so, _so_ afraid of great pain. He’d learned how to suppress it down to a throbbing sensation lurking in the back of his mind, because once that darkness was unleashed it would eat him up. Taeyong could not be strong for others, for Donghyuck, if he had only a frayed mind. Just like now, he had let the darkness consume himself that he decided to fly off in the dead of the night. Taeyong was terrified because for a second then, he’d thought of running away for good, to leave everything behind, erase them from his memory.

But what would Donghyuck do if his mom wasn’t there for him? As resilient as he acted, Donghyuck was just a child - a child who could not withstand losing both parents merely months apart. If anything, Taeyong’s love for Donghyuck was the only thing that was bigger than the pain eating up his inside.

Taeyong sat up from his previous position, furiously wiping at his tear-stained face. His husband was right. If he could not fight off the sorrow, then he could accept it. Accept that he would have to live the rest of his life with an open wound in his heart. Maybe it would close up and become a scar, but it would still be there. It was okay to carry such a scarred heart, as long as he had Donghyuck, had Mark, or Happy, or Yuta, or May to love. Love would always win.

Donghyuck didn’t even move when Taeyong lied down next to him on the bed. One cheek squished against the pillow, the boy was snoring softly while simultaneously drooling into the bedding. Taeyong quietly slid under the blanket and gathered Donghyuck into his arms. As if he could immediately tell it was his mom, Donghyuck nuzzled Taeyong’s chest before continuing to snore, a tiny fist clutching the fabric of his shirt. Taeyong’s bony fingers combed through Donghyuck’s hair, and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you, 3000 and 1.”

**Author's Note:**

> yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/softiejohnyong)


End file.
